Wednesday, January 27, 2010

A heavy-hearted Mommy day

I only have ten minutes to write. but I have something to get off my chest...

I fear I'm screwing up my kid.

Why? Because I somehow neglected to deal with all my "stuff" before he was born, and now, poor kid, he's along for the ride and suffers from some of it to. I feel like he deserves so much more than me as a mother.

I feel that it's my fault that he still is pushing other kids. I feel it's my fault when I go to pick him up from his care program after my weekly Bible study and I get those resigned looks, and those reports of how "he didn't have a good day." I feel like sinking into the floor holding his little hand as he stands there and hears his mom given a report of his difficulties in the room. I want to simultaneously hug him hard and tell him not to take it personally, that I know his heart and he is not a bad little kid. I also want to shake him hard and tell him to just please quit it and follow the program like all the other kids.

I read what I've just written, and I see the prevalence of "I." What about him, what can I do for him so he isn't cast forevermore as the "difficult one."

This is where it gets really really hard.

My ten minutes are up, and now it's time to go figure it out, one minute at a time.

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