Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Defusing the A-nger Bomb

The common saying is so disappointingly true, "you always hurt the one you love."

A lyric by the Mills Brothers referenced in an journal abstract captures it well:

You always hurt the one you love, the one you should not hurt at all;

You always take the sweetest rose, and crush it till the petals fall;

You always break the kindest heart, with a hasty word you can't recall;

So if I broke your heart last night, it's because I love you most of all.

I need to hit the "reset" button; I'm in a rut. I need to find a way to jettison the trained responses of my childhood coupled with the missteps of my adulthood, and chart a new road previously untaken with my kids.

I guess the biggest practice I can think to take each and every day is challenge myself in my most vulnerable moments, and ask: "who am I really angry with?" Nine times out of ten I would venture to say that it's not the kid in front of me.

I may have to revise that assessment when they are teenagers I realize.

Photo by gilesclement

1 comment:

  1. Oh, this is painful to write. I wish I could comment anon, but I'll be brave and write this anyway. Anger. I'm recovering from my shocked memories I'd blocked from childhood.

    I found my hand twitch to slap and was horrified that this was my knee-jerk reaction. Here I am this person who is yearning with every fiber of my being to create a peaceful world and when confronted with a 3yo working through some big emotions, I'm transformed back into a powerless child with an angry, towering adult above me. I almost grabbed my car keys and left my kids for good, thinking they were better off without me. It was so painful to feel this way about my more-precious-than-my-own-life children. Fortunately, I started seeing a therapist for ppd and while I still have that initial reaction, I know where it comes from and can remember that I am no longer that powerless child. I can change these generations of familial patterns for my kids. They deserve a mom who can be her imperfect best because that is how I can truly love them.


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