It's a Question of What You Give Your Focus To

I've been quiet blog wise the last week or two. Life was mostly busy with the celebration of my firstborn's third birthday, which was so much fun, because this year he "gets" the hoopla. In fact, he thinks that every Tuesday is his birthday at the moment. All wants and desires are prefaced with "maybe after nappy? On my birthday, on Tuesdays?" I tell you, moments I want to hug him tight and tell him to "full stop" getting any older than this magical age! That is until the next tantrum, because his burgeoning will has been thwarted by the tyrannical Mother Overlord. In those moments, I'm projecting forward 20 years and hoping like hell I've made the right decisions to help him come out the other end with both of our sanity in tact.

The other event that had me taking a mental retrenching was my parents complete obliviousness to said three year old's birthday. Long and painful episode vastly edited and truncated, I have had to dig deep to realize that their actions are their actions and choices alone, and to further call upon my faith to find compassion and let that rule my regard for the situation. I'm vastly grateful and proud frankly that it didn't plunge me back into the abyss of depression, and that I credit to will and grace (not the TV show). Simply put, I'm moving on. I choose to focus on something else.

Something I'm focusing on this week in my goal to be more present for my family is taming the lure of constant connectivity. This week in honor of Earth Day, I've taken the Great TV Rebellion of 2010 Pledge, and I'm also using it as the official start of more organized homeschooling activities in our household. I'll share what we are up to as we go along on this new journey. Want to join us this week in turning off the TV and electronics and tuning into the outdoors and your children? Head here.

So, if I'm quiet, you know what I'm up to. The TV will be a cinch...Twitter, now that's gonna hurt :)

The Stain of a Mother's Love

How do you view your stretch-marks? When my head is screwed on straight and I have proper appreciation for all of my blessings, I consider them a badge of motherhood honor. I try to think that they are the record of the amazing things my body has done, and tell a bit about the life this body has lived, sort of like the rings of a tree trunk.

Today I added another badge that mattered to me...egg dye stained hands from making Easter eggs for the first time with Big Kidlet. So what, families do it every year, what's the big deal? Well in my family, nope we didn't. I vaguely remember some Easter egg hunts attended as a child, but for the most part it was a non-holiday in my household. I remember when I started to spend significant time with my now husband's family, I just really didn't get all the hoopla about Easter. I understood the religious import in theory, but not in an applicable way.

There is one exception to this. I have a distinct memory from a time when I couldn't have been much older than Big Kidlet is now. It is a resonant memory of dyeing Easter eggs with a woman I called "Nana." She was a family friend, who basically adopted me as an honorary grandchild. At some point not long after, my parents decided that Nana had some issues with driving and chain smoking that made it not a good idea for me to hang out with her, and she disappeared from my life. But I distinctly remember having fun and feeling loved in that hazy memory of brightly colored eggs in an unknown kitchen.

I've felt like a giant mommy slacker when it comes to celebrating holidays because it just is abnormal to me from my upbringing. So, it was a big deal, this small thing of some dye and some hard boiled eggs.

I ran around town doing some errands after, and would catch sight of my natty stained fingers and feel the need to explain to the cashier that I had been dyeing eggs with my son that afternoon. I was the only one who really understood why I said that with a distinct note of pride. I knew I had expressed my love for my child and wore my badge of motherhood honor.

Photo by thisisbossi

Captain Mommy on Deck Makes Me Ill at Ease, But a Good Hug Means Fair Sailing

I'm cultivating a little more of an "attitude of gratitude" after delivering a little shakabuku action to myself while rereading what I've been writing lately.

An article about a new book caught my attention about cultivating happiness in your family's life. The author of Raising Happiness, Christine Carter says to ask yourself two questions:

1. When are you happiest with your kids?

2. What part of the normal day with your family routinely causes suffering?

My happiest moments with my kids tends to be when they wake up in morning, and sometimes even more so, from a good nap. In fact, I love, love, love, the things that come out of Big Kidlet's mouth when he wakes up from his afternoon nap. It's like busy little electricians have been furiously working on the wiring inside his little head, and when he wakes up the light switches have been flipped on. In the morning, I look forward to the moment when I open his door, and he pops up in his crib, unzips his crib tent (yeah, it's only for show these days), and fairly trumpets "Good Morning, Mama!" followed by all the things he can't wait to tell me. When I lift him from his crib we share a big hug, and recently I noticed that he has picked up my habit of humming while hugging. Now Little Kidlet also comes in with me, and he grins and wiggles to see his brother, and Big Bro Kidlet is equally excited and eager to get at him and insists on choosing one of his crib animals to share with his little bro while he's getting his diaper changed. In these moments I feel so incredibly blessed.

My hardest moments are in what I'll call the "have to" moments. "You have to wash your hands," "You have to climb into your carseat," "You have to let mama change your diaper." These are when my patience is at its most stretched, and usually it is exacerbated by an equally as impatient infant close by. When I forget, or am too lazy/distracted to build in extra time for Big Kidlet to move through these transitional times, that is when we suffer, and the meanie mommy monster muscles her way into the situation. I have a snarky habit of saying "aye, aye, Captain," to my husband when he gets bossy and commandeering, which is a not so veiled reference to my childhood with a Naval Captain. Well, truth be told, the anchor didn't fall too far from the ship. Madame Captain reporting for duty.

Where do you find the most joy with your kids in your daily routine? Where do you find the most woe?

I also read a quote that is post-up-prominently-in-my-house worthy:

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who matter don't mind, and those that mind, don't matter." ~Dr. Seuss

Write that down...

Photo from the George Eastman House Collection

Show Don't Tell

Actions speak louder than words.

I had one of those "I'm a crap mother" days today. I've had an uncomfortable number of those lately. You know the ones: when you finally get your kid into bed and you feel about as good about yourself and your mothering as disgusting gum on the bottom of your shoe, and have a strong impulse to get yourself into the confessional booth (even though you're not Catholic), and better yet, if they could flog you a little bit, you feel that would be richly deserved. Yeah, that kind of day.

I wish I could simply say, "that's life with a nearly three year old," but I fear that places the blame in the wrong place. Sure, my kid is a "spirited" toddler, with a wicked stubborn streak (wonder where he got that from), but honestly, he's a good kid. He's really sweet-natured. He just wants me to show him that I'm interested in him and what he's doing. When he doesn't get that enough, he finds ways to get my attention, any attention will do.

Now visualize that old Ram truck commercial, where two rams crash violently into each other. Yeah, it was that kind of day.

Tonight at dinner, when my kid flung food on the floor (again), and said the obligatory "sorry, Mommy," after much cajoling from his dad, I told him, I'm ashamed to say more than a little passive aggressively, "actions speak louder than words." If he was really sorry, he wouldn't do it anymore. Gee, great job Mom! When you had him repeat the words back to you, and he got stuck on the word "louder," and each time you said "louder" trying to get him to say it, he just kept repeating "speak" in a louder voice, that should have been a clue.

Yeah mom, actions DO speak louder than words!

I sat by his crib tonight and apologized, held his hands, and told him I loved him.

He forgave me with his words. I hope his actions tell me he truly forgives his very flawed mom.

• Micro goal: I will spend more one on one time with Big Kidlet
• Macro goal: I will show him I love him as much as I tell him I love him

Photo Courtesy of fudj

Being Present Means Facebook Can Wait

Ah technology, blessing or curse? For a more than slightly obsessive compulsive personality like mine, I'm thinking it can be a curse if not kept in perspective. I am reading a parenting book presently that talks about raising a spirited kid. I don't know that my toddler is necessarily "spirited" or just a toddler, but I'll take ideas anywhere I can get them. That's my way of tackling a problem, I research it from many angles and try to apply the best solution to fit the challenge.

The book speaks about the differences between introverted spirited children and extroverted spirited children, and asks the reader/parent to assess themselves as well. I was shocked to find that I would be classified as an extrovert. I know some people may say, "duh," but you have to understand that although I may not be at a loss for words in a venue such as this (which is why I write), in person one on one I'm not the most graceful conversationalist, shall we say. I associate an extrovert as someone who is the life of the room when they enter it. What was illuminating from this author was her definition of an extrovert as a person who draws their energy from being around others, whereas an introvert actually draws their energy by being more solitary. Aha, lightbulb city!

Making the transition from seeing literally dozens of people a day in my prior career life to being home with small children was tough for me in part because, it turns out that I need to be out and interacting with other people; It does actually energize me. Even the pain of my social awkwardness can not keep me from putting myself out there, because I need to connect.

Which brings me to Facebook and Twitter. You know where I'm going with this, right? How much time do you spend interacting with others on social networks? I fear too much for me personally. I worry it can cut into my relationship with my husband, my self care in the form of accomplishing the endless little details of running my family's life that keep me feeling balanced and accomplished (remember those endless lists I'm so fond of), and also for me the most shameful of all, my parenting.

Recently the blogosphere was on fire with the controversy about a work at home mother, very active on social networks, who lost her toddler in a tragic drowning accident in the family pool. Her extremely active interaction in social media while caring for small children at home drew sharp criticism as a contributing factor to her loss. I recoiled at that group that wanted to blame her for not watching her young child every single second to avert that disaster, because it could have just as easily been a case of making any number of split second errors in judgment such as zipping out to put a load of laundry in, grab a glass of water, etc. We all walk this tricky line every day.

But, I also saw their point. Social media can be consuming and addictive, and in the case of being alone with small people that are extremely needy, and not the most brilliant conversationalists, social media connection feels like a life preserver. It's nice to be heard, and it's nice to know you aren't alone going through it. But when the connection of others outside of your home becomes more important than those inside your home, you've got a problem.

This lesson came home for me today. I took my spirited toddler to run some energy off at the park. For various reasons I chose to revisit a park that has been a difficult park for us in the past because it has a lot of very tempting water. It has been a very long while since we had gone, and I decided that it was time to try again. Having my infant with me, makes this a tricky proposition under the best of circumstances, but I like to push myself to tackle challenges that scare me head on. (Another surprising thing I learned about myself as a parent actually) Well, while we did MUCH better than we have in the past, there were still plenty of stressful moments and my frustration with my son was aching for venting. So, I reached for my I-Phone... for about a second. When I realized that I was about to take to my social network to express how I wondered if I would ever have a time with my son when I felt that I didn't need to be right next to him to avert certain disaster, I realized I was about to take my attention away from my son, perhaps opening us up to that very disaster. I put the phone right back in my pocket, and trailed after a little piece of my heart who needs me to make better decisions about who needed my attention most at that moment. Venting could wait, he could not.

Score a victory today in my goal this year to be more present and in the moment for my family.

Photo courtesy of Matt Hamm

It's the Little Stuff that Makes the Difference: Micro Goals

Macro Goal: Be more in the moment and present for my family...

As much as I'm a planner by nature, I still seem to live a lot of my life by the seat of my pants. I've moved through each phase as the opportunity presented itself. When I resist this way of doing things I seem to suffer. I had a career for many years past when I should have changed course, but like the old clothes in my closet that are sadly out of step, and regrettably several sizes off of reality, I stubbornly held on. High levels of toxic stress ensued, which would have been hilarious in my epic inability to acknowledge when to fold the cards, if it just weren't so pathetic. I nearly lost my marriage, my health, and really when I look back on it, myself.

It's tragic how one keeps praying for answers and resolutions, and because one doesn't want to see what the answers and resolutions truly are, whatever force one wishes to call it (for me it's God) seems to have to ratchet up the means of getting through. I always joke with my friends that God had to allow my life to become seriously miserable before I was willing to have my a-HA moment because I am Stubborn, with a capital S. But the old adage is true: people don't change or stop until they want to. Or to put it another way, until the pain of NOT doing something is greater than the pain of actually doing it, they are staying put.

So, I finally unplugged my ears, stopped the incessant "la-la-la-la-ing" to block out what I didn't want to hear, and listened to my life. And, it was like nails on a chalkboard cringe-worthy. The platform I was standing on was burning right up to my toes. So without a clear plan, I jumped.

As it turns out I jumped straight into a veritable ocean of love. The very day I walked away, God saw fit to green light the thing I had wanted and secretly feared would not ever happen: I got pregnant. Now my in laws, who waited a decade for us to get married, and had pretty much written off grandchildren from their uber-driven daughter-in-law, now shake their heads in unbelieving bemusement as my husband and I, having just welcomed a second child, talk about possibly adding a third. I'm just really not capable of slight course corrections, it's an all out spinning of the wheel. My husband has learned to hold on, but (God love him) has always had a penchant for the wild ride. I don't dive off of physical cliffs, but the emotional ones are treacherously steep and rocky affairs.

To be able to do things with such single-minded focus, or dare I say obsession, you have to be a little selfish, which brings me to the macro goal of being more present for my family. When I left my former career I had to mourn; it had truly been a consuming passion in every sense of the word. As happy as I am being with my kids 24/7, I struggle with the wake of that full throttle existence which feels so normal to me. I used to have dozens of people report to me, and now I have two (OK sometimes three when you count my husband in my particularly bossy moments). I struggle with questions of purpose and anxiety of quantifying my contributions.

I never planned to be a stay at home mom, but the opportunity presented itself, and so here I am. It's been an adjustment, mostly happy. Now when I go to the grocery store, I usually run into several people I know. In so many ways my life is so much more full, not only with my growing family, but with community, something that was sorely lacking in my workaholic myopic life. (Did I mention I actually went to Workaholics Anonymous meetings for a while? Bought the book and everything. I was THAT bad!)

In that seismic shift I also resolved to do the one thing that I had yearned for and feared as well: write. And I did it! I actually started to draw a tiny paycheck from my writing ability. And it was and is thrilling...I want more of that! But as is my way, I am very easily drawn into that very selfish space of single minded focus, and that has created another conflict: quality of my time and energy with my husband and kids.

I struggle with the boundaries between doing that which makes my blood sing (write), and what makes my heart beat (my family). I need them both. When I am spending time with my kids, I struggle to make sure my focus doesn't drift and become distracted by the words in my head, or by the lure of my computer to do just one more bit of checking in, and research. When I stare at the blank screen, I struggle to not allow myself an out to go do the laundry, or sweep the floor.

So here are some micro goals to support my macro goal, which can be summed up with the seemingly contradictory statement: plan in order to be in the moment.

1. Extended work/computer time limited to when children are asleep or with husband
2. Time spent each day focused on and listening to husband, even if he's recounting details about his shooting hobby that make me glaze over! Will go with him to the shooting range (as he's been asking FOR-ever) at least once in the next six months.
3. Homeschooling preschool plan in place by Big Kidlet's third birthday
4. Playtime each day with Little Kidlet (solo and included with Big Kidlet)
5. Take one family vacation, even if it's a "stay-cation"
6. Take one kid-free mini-break
7. Plan gifts in advance
8. Sex and foot rubs...nuff said

I'm stopping there because as I've said I like my lists but can get a little out of control. Just looking to get started, more will follow. I'll also post some of the daily stuff I do to support these goals along the way as well.

P.S. I did pretty well with this goal today. We spent some time building what we like to call "Noah's High Rise." Big Kidlet loved it so much, he refrained from breaking it into bits as he usually likes to do, even before I finish building. And, it still stands after a full afternoon!

Photos: all rights reserved, no reproduction without express consent